Always Loved, Never Had Love...

Ah, love, I think I have been avoiding this topic since the moment I started this blog. It's such a personal thing that it makes it really scary to talk about ... Because I never really had much luck in love... and I am about to open about it...

Love, ah, old painful love. It's weird because as soon as we start talking about love we think about couples and relations, lovebirds although love is something you can feel for you mom, your dad, your sister, brother, friends... but I too am talking about the relationship love. It's really scary to open up about this... as said before I really never had much luck in love. Let us wind a little back into my past, shall we?

We are going to start with my first ever crush, I was 8 or 10 at that time, still living in France. There was this guy, he was funny, cute, well you know all the things you care about when you are young. I really, really liked that guy. One day another girl started liking him too, she gave him a paper that if he had to chose between me and her who would he choose... and he chose her... and I felt so sad, I think it was around that time that I became really boy-shy...
Even until now I still think about him, I still love him, not in the same way, but when I see him again, I do feel it again... but he became such a jerk...
The entire school year in France I did like him, I never quite got over him... when I got bullied they (he and his friend)  stayed on my side and I can not thank them enough for it, but the last year I got really close with him, he became sort of my best friend, I started liking him more, I guess that I just made it up that we were best friends because in his eyes I probably was, but in my eyes he was my crush... I never told him I like him because he always dated every year, sometimes after 6 months another girl, I just didn't want to be "one" of them... from this day I made a promise, that I would never cry over a guy...or over love.

Moving forward, after we moved to The Netherlands in my first year I met a guy, out of nowhere actually, I saw him sometimes walking around school and though he was cute, then I gathered all my courage and send him a friend request on Facebook... and he accepted it, but it did not just stop there! He started talking to me, and it became more. The thing was, he just broke up with his cheating girlfriend and didn't want a relation... and he tried to kiss me once, or at least I think he did, but I avoided it, my excuse was really awkward... I said, "You were standing on my toes hih"... I know... awkward, I mean I am a shy girl who never kissed a guy before so... yeah... I was really anxious about it... what did you expect?! xP
He always told me when he was drunk that he loved me and I didn't know what to do because I knew he was drunk... it never really became something between us. Once my sister asked him why he never asked me out or something and he said he never loved me and that he was sorry that he made me believe he was...

And then... my last and most recent experience... I still don't want to admit that there is a chance that I love him... and it's really easy for me to talk about it but not to write. When I write my feelings get way deeper than when I am talking... this is harder than expected... okay, here we go. I met this guy at a hobby I had outside of school, in the beginning, I had a major crush on him, I remember loving the way he walked and the way he dressed, haha, his personality was funny and I guess I always fall in love with boys who are funny but also can be serious when needed. The more I got to learn who he was he told me he had a girlfriend and that gave me such a releasing feeling, you just don't wanna know, from that moment he became just a good friend, for real! I had absolutely no feelings for him anymore. He always brought me home and I remember that he told me about his girlfriend and the struggle he was facing... He told me that he never told those things to anyone before. I admitted at that moment that I never kissed a guy before and that nobody knew about this. A few months later he broke up with her. We started performing and I started feeling more than what I normally feel. I ignored it because I knew that he didn't want a relationship and I accepted it. I wanted to keep our relation as best friends intact. At the end of the performances, my best girlfriend told me she likes him, a lot. Those evenings with him were magically beautiful, stargazing for super long, talking, laughing... the last evening we were looking at the moon together, talking about the way we felt actually for each other and decided to just stay friend... Maybe I should've never told him I never kissed someone before or we would probably have kissed ( I remember he asked me it that evening too). After performing we biked a lot together to school,at the last reunion I couldn't be there and that same evening my best friend and best girlfriend kissed... straight away the next day he told it, I didn't know why he told me it, he said he felt like he needed to tell me, in some way I appreciate it, on the other side... I feel so bad. It hit me hard, harder than expected.

For me, love has been a mysterious thing, I know how it feels, but I've never experienced it myself. For some reason, I tend to be really careful at this specific topic. Some days I blame myself for not kissing or telling one of them that I liked them a lot, some days I know that this just wasn't meant to be. I know background stories that give me the feeling like it's best not to be the girl who he kissed, but even then, after knowing this, I have my ups and down.
I am 18 and I have never kissed or dated a guy. And it might seem for a lot of us girls/ guys a this ages unusual because all we see is our friend having a relationship. But let's remember that we are unique, people like us are unique and you can't find them easily (funny, the first guy said this two years ago to me).

Writing this blog has been a tough process, it made me cry and laugh... and I hope that in the end, the end made you feel a little better because we I know that you are not the only one who never kissed, some people at the age of 22 never kissed before.